Nowhere.

I sat quietly and patiently on the couch as the television blared in the background. I looked over at my father in an attempt to get his attention, “We’ll head home soon,” he said under his breath. Well, if I walk I could be home in less than 20 minutes, I thought to myself, I’m old enough to go alone, I mean, I’m almost a teenager. I rested my head on my arm and started the brain-numbing process.

I should have just gone on the trip with my mother and siblings. At least my mother will be home soon.. Why didn’t I just go? It would have been better than this, right? At least I wouldn’t be in a strange new place with people I have no intention of making conversation with- oh no, wait.. It would have been an eight hour trip through mountains and long winding roads.. That’s basically just asking for death! I’m pretty certain I would die if I went! We could drive off the road and fly off the side of a mountain! Our car might break down and we’ll get eaten by wolves or something!! There are wolves on mountains, right?? I’m not taking my chances, that’s way too risky, I stand by my decision..

I shot my eyes open to shake my thoughts out of my head, why can’t my brain shut up for one second. I could feel my heart begin to race and my lungs begin to shrink. Beads of sweat started to form on my forehead, yep, definitely stand by my decision. By this time, my lungs were the size of peas, it took every ounce of strength I had not to scream in terror.. everyone hates when I get scared. I have to get out of here, I need air, I need to go, I need to go NOW.  I looked over at my father again. He reached for his wallet and keys and began to say his goodbyes. YES! I stood up as quickly as I could, oh no.. too fast, my vision gradually started to go black, oh no.. death, I waved goodbye and raced out the door.

I could hear a familiar voice calling my name in the distance. I looked back at my father, nope not him, I looked around and saw my mother rushing towards my direction. Mom??! What is she doing here? I thought she was picking me up at my uncle’s house..? Well, whatever, at least she’s here now! As she got closer I noticed her clenched jaw and wild eyes. With tight lips she stared straight into my father eyes. She grabbed my wrist faster than the speed of light, I’m pretty sure.. “WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO TAKE MY DAUGHTER” she yelled at my father who, also with the speed of light, grabbed my other wrist. “SHE’S MY DAUGHTER TOO” he replied sternly as I jerked my head in his direction. I turned to look at my mother as she pulled me closer and responded even louder. Quickly, I turned to my father who yanked me closer to him as he began to yell as well.

Where is everyone? Why isn’t anyone helping?? I don’t want to be here!!! 

My parents continued the tug-of-war, pulling harder and harder, yelling louder and louder, as I bounced back and forth between them.. Loving both but wanting neither. I shut my eyes but by this point my tears were already flowing faster than Niagara Falls. I could no longer make out what they were saying. I was nothing more than a rotting wooden raft in the middle of the thrashing unforgiving sea.

STOP!” 

I yelled as loud as I possibly could. At least my lungs were back to their normal size now.. My arms dropped to my sides as tears, snot, and even drool fell from my face. Silence. I stared at my shoes as my mother and father gave their last menacing looks and started to part ways. I walked next to my mother and listened to her faint sniffling. I looked back at my father, he walked quickly to his car without looking back, was he crying too? I slowly made my way into the backseat. My mother let her tears out, “I was so scared. I was so scared he took you. I was so scared he took you away from me. I would die. I can’t live without my children. I was so scared. I would die.” She sobbed as we made our way back home.

Can my brain go numb now?..

I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be home. I don’t want to be with anyone. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t know what I want. I want to be nowhere.

Nowhere is where I want to be.

2 thoughts on “Nowhere.

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